Puah was just saying the other day as we passed by RI after ODAC training at HDB flats, "Now that I'm back in RI, everything seems so childish and kiddy."
How true.
Being in JC has changed me quite alot. The past afternoons where I used to be able to get home before 3, or on some days at 1 pm are long gone, and I get home now at an average of 8 pm.
Many things have taken over my life now. My friends, my CCA (which I had in the past, just that I didn't care as much as now XD), and the need to actually do work. In the past, everything was copy-able, and things would turn out fine. Just mug at the last minute, sometimes don't even need to mug, and things would turn out fine at the end of the day.
Not here, not now.
Gan Lee Suan said that all we had to do was to get our basics right. Learn price elasticity of demand well, then cross elasticity and income elasticity would come naturally to you. How true, and how harsh that statement is. Now that I did not learn the basics right, everything seems to be toppling on me. As RJC keeps spamming more and more information atop my weak foundation, all it takes is for a little tip for everything to collapse. Imagine playing Uno Stacko, and with all the many blocks on top balancing on a teeny weeny block below, and that's the situation I am in now. It's precarious, I know it, but yet it's something I feel powerless against.
Sometimes I tell myself, work hard Ivan, be like everyone else and sit down and do your work. But yet, there are just these moments of powerlessness that come along, and it just so happens to come along at the wrong times all the time. It seems like I am making excuses, but it's seriously how I feel. I think I need the encouragement to go on, and to continue to actually study. I've been trying to find such a motivation to study for the past 4 years. Throughout my years in my secondary school, I've become jaded with studying. Sometimes I just ask myself, "What's the point?" I lost the motivation I had in primary school which led me to my success, and no I have not found it back.
It's even considered out of character for me to be posting such things, but after seeing how everyone is bucking up and getting down to work in lieu of the approaching Common Tests, I cannot help but look at myself and wallow in self-despair. Which brings me to my next point:
ODAC Exco voting/selections coming up, and I'm again wallowing in self-doubt. But this time, it's not like such worries are unfounded. The people I am up against for any position would be the friends whom I have made in the past 4 months, and it is difficult to pit myself against people whom I have went on expeditions with, joked with, and had fun with. Speaking about being out of character, it's so difficult to be seen as a serious person once you are deemed as a "joker". I do crack my jokes, I do try to be as humourous a person as I can be whenever I am around my friends, but when it comes to being serious, I think I rise up to the occasion and do what I am supposed to do, and more. However, I feel that it's very difficult for people to see that aspect of me. They see Ivan, they think "HAHA THAT JOKER/PERVERT/ASSHOLE/SLACKER/blahblah", but no one thinks of me when I am actually serious and contributing. Once an opinion has been formed, it's just so damned difficult to change it. I know because I formed opinions of some people, and it is really difficult to change it. Sad, but it's a reality of life. Anyway, why am I lumping this under the ODAC Exco paragraph? It's not entirely unrelated, because what I want people to see is that I am able to be serious when I need to be, to be responsible when I need to be, to be what people expect of me when I need to be. I think that's what makes Mr. Tan so impressive. He can be a joker, he can crap a hell lot with super lame jokes or facial expressions, but we know and think that he is actually a serious and deep-thinking person. Am I simply struggling to be like him? I hope that's not what's being seen. All I want to be sure of is that I am not simply dismissed as the "slacker", the "joker", the "naban", whatever. I want to be acknowledged, and I want to actually see people putting their trust in me, and thinking of me as a person they can talk to, not simply crap to or bitch to, or sometimes even about. I think it's because of this that I want to be in the ODAC Exco, not because of the "testimonial", or the fame and glamour of being in an Exco. How many extra words will being in an Exco buy you in the testimonial? 10? 20? I care not for those. What I really want to see is people start to talk to me straight from their hearts, to trust me, and to see me as someone who is not exactly a total joker/pervert/asshole/slacker. It's more of the search for recognition that I seek, and wish to acquire.
I feel sad when people express doubt about my abilities. No matter how much self-confidence one has, he needs to be recognized by his peers to consider himself as a successful person. Why am I pushing myself? Why did I do chinups until the skin on my hands tear multiple times? Why do I endure with the pain? The answer is now obvious. It's not for the ego boost, it's just to have the pleasure of being recognized for your efforts, and I feel that's very important, and that is why JC life is so difficult.
ivan fed the world.